Friday, April 10, 2009

When did you realize you were no longer a child?

I saw this question in a magazine that Jenny left on the couch. It is Good Friday and a time for reflection. Before I read the answer I thought of the last time I felt like a child. In the article the question was answsered, "I knew it when my own mother died. That's the last time there would be anyone in the world who always put me before herself."

What a sense of sadness this brought to me today. My mother, Nana, died November 14, 2008. I knew for a while that I didn't like her feeling so frustrated and being treated like she was the child. She was our mother and didn't like that part of her life being taken away from her. I knew how much it irritated her that she couldn't remember simple things or things that she had just done. Much of this was why she didn't want to go places. She was afraid that she would repeat herself and embarrass herself in front of the people she loved and knew all her life. Little did she know that they would tolerate this because they loved her and she gave so much of her life helping others.

As much as I didn't want her to die I knew I didn't want her to suffer with this. I think in the last few years before she got real forgetful, my Sundays I spent with her and Dad were some of the days I will remember and cherish. I will cherish how she loved my girls each for the individuals they are. I will cherish how much she loved when my grandsons visited her and would talk about them the next time I was there. My girls were so blessed to have her in their lives. I am so glad that in the last few years of her life never did she forget who any of us were.

Today for the first time I have felt the impact of those words. "That is the last time there would be anyone in the world who always put me before herself." My dad knows how much we miss her and how much she did making sure every day was special. He knows that it is the small things we do for each other that makes us a family.

We helped Dad pick out the head stone for Mom on Valentine's Day. We all got together afterwards at the house and had a party. When we met at Tata's so we could drive together to Tucson, he was so proud to pull out three Valentine Chocolate boxes. He was so excited to give us this, his three daughters. He now has the job my mom had all those years to remember all his kids' and grandkids' birthdays. He hasn't forgotten one yet. I know when it is his time to go, that will be the last person to love me with the love of a parent. I thank the Lord everyday that He gave me life and helped me to become the person I am today.

As parents we are not perfect and there are many things that I would do different. There is so many things that I did wrong in raising my girls but I know that they are so loved in this family. They are the girls they are because of US. I know everytime I see them I am so thankful that they are mine. I know their dad and I are so proud of the women they have become.

Being a mom doesn't mean you know everything or can solve everything because sometimes allowing your children to solve things themselves makes them smarter. How lucky I was to have my mom as a role model and a friend. I am glad she doesn't have to get to the point in her life that she forgot who her kids were. I think that would have been harder for me to handle than anything else.

Mama, I do miss you. I do know that no one could ever love me like you did. I think of you this Easter and know that you are with The Lord on this very special day. When I see the sunrise on Easter Sunday, I will know you are watching over all of us. Please continue to pray for my kids and their kids. Pray that they will continue to love each other when it is my time to go be with you.

Friday, April 3, 2009

You know you are old when........

Today, I realized just how old I was. I was at a birthday celebration for Kelly Bray, a sweet young lady that is as old a one of my daughters. Jan Bried, Tina Jada, and I drove from work to be there for her. As I watched the kids, yes, I mean kids walk in I realized I feel so old. Here I am with the wrinkles forming fast and here are those kids with the smooth faces I once had.

Joyce Gingrich and I were sitting next to each other wondering, "what are we doing here?" Joyce asked me are you staying much longer and I said no I wasn't because it was going to be past my bedtime. We were looking around at the young girls there and realized we were the older ones and Jan said no we were the responsible ones. We were laughing so hard at our having friends that are old enough to be our kids. We did enjoy ourselves but Joyce still wants to do a night out with the old fogies in our lives. I agree. At least we will know what songs are playing and what is really funny, have some wine, eat chocolate, have some more wine, and eat some more. I hope this is soon. I really miss being with Joyce because she always knows how to make me laugh so hard at myself.

Liz and Trish, you haven't written on your blog in a while. Get with the program. I miss reading your great stories. I have to read Jenny's over and over so I can get my fix. At least Jen writes every weekend or so. Hope to hear from you both soon.

MOFD